“It’s never the situation. It’s always the way you think about the situation.”

Heard that before?
Still true?
Maybe now is the time to let go of the mold you’ve been living in.

No change, I can’t change, I can’t change, I can’t change,
I am here in my mold, I am here in my mold
But I’m a million different people from one day to the next
I can’t change my mold, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

– The Verve

HIM – My ex-boyfriend

He easily gets frustrated, irritated, ostracizing, and goes silent. He may have learned that to be angry is bad – maybe he was punished as a child when he expressed anger. Sent to his room, ignored, or even beaten. He learned that anger equals punishment. This truth has become a subconscious belief. But He is not aware of this belief. He has learned on a conscious level that anger is not dangerous, but his subconscious has a different view. An unconscious internal conflict battles inside of him. Two different truths at war. Psychology calls it split personality. An internal dialogue and debate that consumes energy. One part wants and needs to be angry, while the other part is not allowed. He does not want to share his feelings and certainly not his fears with those around him. He does not know that he is frightened. He is just angry at someone or something that has done him wrong. He might be confused, doesn’t know what he wants anymore, with work, family, or maybe life in general. He doesn’t even seem to enjoy his old interests. He has a difficulty finding joy.

Thoughts spin, creating emotions and draining energy. He is tired. He may have pain in his body. A knee that is playing up, a shoulder that hurts or an old lower back pain that keeps coming back. On Friday night it’s nice to relax, switch off, and have a glass of wine. Maybe on a Saturday as well. And even on a Wednesday. Nothing serious, just 1-2 glasses of wine. Netflix series, documentaries, or YouTube clips, maybe there is something he could buy online, something useful, or a project to be organized. Something new. Refreshing. Anything.

He’s missing something … he doesn’t know what. Maybe it’s love he lacks? He sometimes fantasizes about being unfaithful, or rather falling in love…

HER – My ex-girlfriend

She posts a picture on Instagram, a nice picture, a selfie. She gets lots of likes, hearts, and comments. She scrolls around, writes on some friend’s feed. The same hearts and the same likes. She goes on a shopping site, maybe there is something she can buy. She has just finished the Netflix series she thought was good. Not great but perfectly OK. She is a bit bored. Wants something to happen. Something fun. She often thinks that there is so much to be grateful for but finds it a little hard to feel it. She wishes she felt more cared for.

She asks her husband how he wants to spend the summer. Where are they going, it’s time to make plans so that it doesn’t fizzle out, or before it gets too late and expensive. It is important that it happens, and above all that it turns out to be good – that it injects some meaning into their life. She wants something fun to happen. She wants experiences. She wants adventure.

She wants him to want that too. She wants them to experience together. He was annoyed today, so she thinks they’ll make plans another day. Sometimes she gets fed up with him when he is annoyed, sometimes she gets sad. Especially if his anger is directed at her. When he says something mean, then she takes it personally. She wants to understand him but he doesn’t let her in. She understands that he is not so good at communicating his vulnerability. She feels lonely around him.

She works out at the gym. She would like to work out more. Or at least find it more enjoyable. She has not really found the best way of working out for her body. There may be no such thing as enjoyable exercise. She loves her friends, or she loves to have friends. Drink wine and talk crap. Maybe not crap but life. Sometimes it feels empty. As if there is no one there. As if no one understands. 

She would like him to see her more, to woo her more. As in the beginning. When he did everything for her. When he looked at her and wanted her. She wants to be desirable. Sometimes she fantasizes about other men. For a while she was in love with her colleague. They flirted via text and he said she was beautiful and smart. There was a kiss.

Some part of her wishes she had gone with him and left her husband. Another part of her loves her husband. After all, he is very kind. Or is he? At least he is safe. He would never leave her. Sometimes she is bored, unsatisfied, though she still does well, she thinks. She is divided. She has an inner dialogue. A debate. She’s split.

There is something missing in her life! She wants more. She wants to live! In any case, she does not want to miss out on or waste her best years.

Can you relate?

Yes?
If so, what are you aware of?

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This is a guest post. The opinions expressed are the writer’s own.