Publicerat: 2019-11-22
“Ooh, he’s here againThe man with the child in his eyes” – Kate Bush
The Grown Up
After two quite destructive years together, we are now on a break. She is ten years younger than I am and has children from before. I want to text her, but know that I shouldn’t and I can’t stop myself. I press send. I immediately feel both anxiety and hope. And Fear for whatever she will answer. If she answers.
I wrote, “I wish we could be a team. (sorry for cheesy expression) Kiss and Smiley.”
No reply after an hour…
The phone in my hand and my gaze fixed on the screen.
The anxiety is palpable.
What if she has moved on? She may not care anymore!? Did I mean so little? Still no reply after several hours … What is she doing? What if she’s met someone else? What, has she already managed to meet someone? Did she already meet him when we were still together? Is it someone at her work? I have to calm down, God how I miss her. Why doesn’t she answer? How can I mean so little to her? When she means so much to me.
She answers! Well, agrees that ‘team’ is a cheesy expression! Kiss and smiley!
How should I interpret it, What should I reply? What does she want? What do I want? Do I want to if she doesn’t want to? Can I face this constant worry? I’m sure and unsure of her at the same time. I want to be with her at the same time as I want to get away from her. I’m Confused & Lost.
The Child
I just turned 12 and spring is approaching. I’m in my dad’s big house in the new city. Marie from my old school rings me at the new family. My dad’s. I feel happy. No one has called from my old class to my dad’s new family. I liked Marie a lot. She was kind and a bit boyish, played drums and football. I feel happy but also a little scared when I answer the phone.
– “Hello! There’s a party tonight, do you want to come?” Says Marie.
Fear quickly grabs me, I want to go but at the same time feel scared and small. I don’t know how to go from where Daddy’s new family live to where I lived with my mother and where the party is. I think about how I might get there and realise that I have no idea. I really don’t have a clue. I can’t say I’ll come and then risk not arriving. I’m ashamed not to know how to travel by myself.
I tell Marie that it is not possible. “Bye then” I say. – “Bye then” says Marie.
I feel sad all night. Sad that I didn’t dare say anything to Dad. Sad about mum not being here and sad that I’m not at Marie’s party. Marie, she never calls again.
The Inner Child
I didn’t want to be a burden on anyone when I was little, or to be a nuisance, so I made myself invisible. It hurt me when my stepmother sighed loudly when I was playing on the couch, or when my dad asked me to go to my room. I wasn’t allowed to claim space. To be loved did not feel like a certainty to me, and I can see and understand that it is still not a certainty. Can anyone love me?
Exercise – the Super Parent.
Close your eyes. Go back to a memory. A memory where you felt unloved, small, lost, frightened. Enter as an adult into the memory. Do what you wish your parents had done with you. Embrace yourself, tell your inner child that they are loved, loved by you. That you will always be there when they need you, hug, sit with yourself. Hold yourself. You can also take your little self by the hand and go to the others in your memory that your little one feels rejected by. The adult (you) can then speak on the child’s behalf. In a warm way, say that what you are doing now makes this little wonderful, insecure child feel frightened, insecure, unloved, stupid, wrong or whatever it is you feel. This way, you stand up for yourself.
This, my friends, is self care and self love!
Do you want to share your feelings after the exercise? We do! Remember; sharing is caring and all emotions are okay to feel.
This is a guest post. The opinions expressed are the writer’s own.