How To Meet Yourself – What You See Is What You Are

THE MIRROR: What You See Is What You Are

Belonging is our biggest, most basic human need. The polar opposite of belonging is separation. The psychology model attachment theory states that children need to make a bond or connection with at least one caregiver in their lives in order to flourish and develop socially an emotionally . Not for the sake of being fed, clothed and housed but because we humans need closeness and intimacy. To interpret this model in another way, separation is unhealthy for humans. There are many kinds of separation out there. The two most known are: when a relationship ends, or someone dies. Those aren’t the unhealthy kinds though. So what’s kinds do negatively impact us? The separation we create and experience when we distance ourselves from others. When we separate ourselves from others by looking for all the ways in which we are different. 

When we pass judgement if often sounds like… You’re not like me. I don’t… You are… I’m not like that… you don’t get me. You’re an asshole.

But here’s the irony. When I complain about the fact that you’re complaining, I’m also complaining. When I tell you you’re criticizing me, I’m criticizing you. When I tell you you’re mean to me, I’m being unkind to you. And, the list goes on. 

When we differentiate between ourselves and others we create distance and separation. In the end, this separation creates a feeling of loneliness, despair, and unworthiness. 

“I don’t like him. He’s uptight, repressed, inflexible, and always needs to be in control. I’m not like that. I’m flexible, open, understanding, and don’t need to be in control to feel at ease.”

“There’s something wrong with conservative people. They breed such hate and are lacking empathy for the suffering of others. I’m not like that at all. I’m an empathetic person, understanding that everyone has their own hardships. I love everyone.”

Notice the inconsistencies in those two statements? It can be tough to notice how inconsistent you sound on your own. But this is what separation sounds like. All the shortcomings I witness in others are the very shortcomings I’ve got. And all of those positive traits I see in others? I’ve got those too. 

“How can you just leave me standing?Alone in a world that’s so cold Maybe I’m just too demandingMaybe I’m just like my father, too boldMaybe you’re just like my motherShe’s never satisfiedWhy do we scream at each other?This is what it sounds like When doves cry”– Prince

How can you stop judging others, creating distance between you and the rest of the world, and instead bring more belonging into your life?

Try THE MIRROR. It goes like this.

You need:

• 1 mirror – the bigger the better
• At least 20 minutes
• Yourself

Once you’ve got all that, look at yourself in the mirror. Say out loud exactly what you see when you stare at yourself. Voice your thoughts. If you only hear a barrage of negative thoughts, then sit still until you begin hearing kind thoughts. Better yet, silence. Allow as much time as it takes. At first, it may take 7 mirror sessions until you’re there. Or maybe 30 seconds. No judgement.

Restless? Anxious? Stressed? Impatient? Stomachache? You are in a state of loneliness. Once your mind is calm, you will feel a belonging. When your mind is empty of judgements, you have arrived to a good place.

Let me know how things went for you – or if you need further guidance with your self-acceptance muscle.  Contact me at april.wickstrom@theeqgym.com.

Also read more about avoidance here and how to meet emotions here.And how you can learn to like yourself here.

This is a guest post. Any opinions expressed are the writer’s own.